Month: March 2013

This Just In: I’m Butthurt. Also, Kitteh!


As is my wont, I scanned the headlines tonight looking for something to upset me. I blithely scanned right past the pestilence known as sports headlines because, honestly, I don’t give a shit. Celebrity headlines go in the same wastebasket, unless one has done something perfectly awful, that is, then I’ll read it and, should anyone bring it up, deny any interest in such rank sensationalism whatsoever because it’s beneath me. I liked watching the science-y headlines go by, thanks to a few high-brow websites I subscribe to, because they make me feel smart, as if that’s contagious. Look, Maw, I caught brains! Sometimes I’m lucky and will stumble into something that I think is just incredibly cool, so I drool a little then share it via social media. Tonight wasn’t one of those nights. Nothing awesome happened anywhere at all tonight.

Sure enough, several hundred headlines of scanning later, one of them caught my eye. At first it merely just caught me the wrong way. Of course, that could just have been the headline. In part, I think editors have just thrown their hands up in despair when it comes to online content, especially headlines. The number of purely unfortunate travesties of language seems to grow every day. The rest of the time I just suspect SEO tweaking. Conventions aside, it’s just a matter of time before every single article on the subject of banana smoothies gets a hed like “Man Shot. Inballs: All I heard was “pow! bang! and sobbing.” Now and then, though, usually a mere ten or twelve times in a day, something will just catch me wrong. This was one of those times.

I grew more peevish as I read the article. The nerve! The sheer temerity! What the ever-living fuck? I went from peeved to aggravated, straight through irritated, on past angry, and went full-tilt boogie blazingly pissed in a matter of three short minutes. Someone had damned well better say something, and I’ll be damned if I’m not that someone!

For every single fact those bastards got wrong, I looked up no less than three well-documented sources from reputable websites and slammed those errors so hard the idiots probably felt each and every whack in their spleens. It was a medical marvel. For every relevant omission, I located a wealth of sources and demonstrated just how fucking wrong it was to leave out these critical points for consideration. Leniency? According to Inballs, the man was beating a puppy to death. With a small child. An orphaned one. With a brain defect. And an amazing ability to play every single piece of Mozart while blindfolded. Think maybe the Jackass Brigade might have mentioned that part?

For every logical fallacy, I cried bullshit. With a proper Latin name! And a full explanation using logical notation. And when there was ever an opportunity to assume the absolute worst about them, I jumped all over that shit. Of course they did it with malice aforethought! They should be drawn and quartered, locked up under the jail, and then we should invent a zombie virus just so we can infect their corpses and kill them again, preferably with a small, sharp object to the skull.

I performed this small act of public service, because without me you idiots wouldn’t know what to think. Of course, some very few of you will troll my post, either because you truly suffer from a sub-par intellect and actually believe the crap you’ll say or because you’re just paid shills, on the take just like the rest of ‘em. A few of you are just assholes who get off on giving me aneurysms and turning my leg bag pink. Once in a blue moon some redeemable soul comes along and disagrees with me in a reticent, almost apologetic sort of way, but those poor naifs tend to come around to my right way of thinking fairly quickly once they see the superiority of my opinion. It’s all a matter of my brilliant communication. And. Superior, grammar. Thats key.

Quite a few of you will just skim through it, see too many words without spaces in them, and click through the photo I hand-crafted on my laptop to see if it leads to anything actually interesting.

I suspect the majority of you will just be dumbstruck by my sublimity, think “TESTIFY!” so hard it’s audible, and refrain from commenting lest you appear audacious. You won’t share it because you don’t want your friends to think you’re one of those holier-than-thou reasonable types with their facts, and their charts, and their impeccable sweater vests and birth control glasses.

As for those of you who actually have something positive to say, so what? What do you want, a cookie? The validation of my response? There’s some things I just won’t do, unless the price is high enough. You really like it? Then do us all a favor and write your own thoughtful commentary, inclusive of plaudits aplenty for yours truly, and throw me a link, eh? You might actually know someone who knows someone who knows someone who matters, and if I’m going to get my lucky break they need to find out how amazing you think I am.

The sooner I make it big and get to wear a power tie on a cable news show, the sooner I can start waking up the slumbering mass of sheeple, like you, that makes up 75.34% of our population [1]. We all know that would be for the best.

I don’t really need this soul anyway.

The first in an intended series that will never go beyond this first installment wherein your humble author waxes omphaloskeptical and thinks himself clever. This is not meant as a reflection on blogging in general. A great many bloggers are truly excellent at what they do and deserve far wider audiences.

Why not take this chance to tell us about your favorite blogs and bloggers?  No need to mention me by name.  Hint.  Hint.


Image credit:  Photo of kitteh, untitled, by this guy, Nicolas Esposito, who is awesome because he stood in front of an adorable kitteh and still managed to operate the camera! Don’t doubt the power of kitteh.  Licensed under Creative Commons.