Ars Skeptica endorses the wrong candidate for all the wrong reasons

Romney the DestroyerElection 2012. The most important election of the last four years. Maybe even the last twelve. Hell, maybe even the last 44. Before that and I’d have to rely entirely on hearsay. I mean, who can you really trust, right? It’ll certainly be the most important election of the next four years.

Our choice this year, barring some simply stellar dark horse candidate just about literally falling from the stars to fight dark money, boils down to a dyed in the wool 1%er who has yet to find a position he can stick to and…Mitt Romney. I bet you think I got that backwards, right? Insofar as any of President Obama’s policies have “worked” for anyone, they have a) demonstrated the seeming efficacy of Reagan-esque policy (unless you think this, too, is a house of cards just waiting for an ill, climate-disrupted wind to blow it down) and b) have worked exceedingly well for the inordinately wealthy who got that way by stacking the deck from which the house of cards is made.

With such a clear-cut decision being laid out before us, pulling the lever this year (or pushing the button, or touching the screen, or opening a little flap on our tinfoil hats so our brainwaves can be accurately read) should be the easiest thing in the world. After all, there can be only one absolutely right candidate. Luckily for you, you very rare bird you, the truly undecided voter trying to figure out which is the genuine lesser evil, Ars Skeptica is here to help you by endorsing the candidate seen as the best hope for the brightest future for ourselves and our posterity.

So let’s take a brief look at what that future could look like…five generations from now (the generation immediately affected by this election and four more of recovery from it later).

All Americans, regardless of personal views on the issues of the day, are unified, not merely pacified, as one harmonious American people, proud to be part of a dynamic, functional, more perfect union.

America, as that more perfect union, stands proud among its global peers, respected the world over for its unblemished moral, ethical, intellectual, and economic (if not absolutely dominant) standing.

All Americans are recognized as equals before the law. Justice is no longer the best gift money can buy.

As unified equals before the law, Americans live in a golden age of genuine tranquility, peaceably engaged in fair industry, trade, and life public and private.

Americans are assured of the inviolable nature of their borders both by the goodwill of nations earned through American diplomacy and commerce in good faith and by a superlatively equipped and trained defensive force.

America enjoys practically full employment without the adverse effects of inflation.

America benefits from sustainable energy, industry, and commerce.

America as a whole reaps the rewards of the general welfare of all its people in return for sound investment in the health, education, and well being of all its people, there being no “lowliest” among us.

Bound together by such a powerful social covenant, all Americans truly engage in the blessings of genuine liberty as enshrined in our Bill of Rights.

This, I believe, is a vision of America that should inspire the noblest virtues in all of us from now until the time it comes to pass. The question is, “how best to get there, most quickly, for the greatest benefit of the greatest numbers of our posterity?”

Alas, I do not have a cheery answer. Look around you at the single message issued by our highly concentrated media industry: you have a choice between a stern, unyielding paternalistic authoritarian regime or a stern, unyielding paternalistic authoritarian regime that pretends to be your buddy. But hey, at least it’s a choice! Or maybe that should be, “But hey, at least it’s the illusion of choice!”

For the last many months, I had finally come to believe that the utmost important factor, the truly distinguishing factor, between the two major party candidates is their likely selection of Supreme Court nominees when seats on the bench become available. I have since come to believe that I was horribly mistaken. Sure, that’s probably true enough in its way, but one can hardly argue that the current administration is necessarily biased in favor of a liberal court when President Obama has seated so few federal judges, leaving the federal courts of much the same conservative persuasion as that left to him by his predecessor.

But there is a deciding factor. Certainly you’ve heard the old saw that to boil a frog, you must boil it slowly. Turn up the heat too much and the frog jumps out of the pot. This may or may not be literally true. I haven’t tested it personally. But figuratively it rings true. In this day and age of truthiness, that’s the best we’ve got. I submit to you that the ultimate difference between Mitt Romney and President Obama is the difference between boiling the American frog quickly or slowly.

Here, I’m sure, we can absolutely agree. We don’t want to be fucking boiled. At all. Period. Full stop.

Given the vast and mighty forces arrayed against us, I submit that we need to support that candidate that will crank up the heat all the way to 11. We need the water to get so painfully hot that we jump, we jump far, and we jump soon, else all is lost.

I give you…

*drum roll*

*flourish of trumpets*

Mitt Romney, Frog Boiler in Chief, future President of the United States of America.

Make no mistake. I am throwing my full support (well, except money…fucker’s already got plenty coming to him from the likes of the Koch brothers, Karl Rove, et al, ad nauseam) behind the candidate most likely to completely fuck things up for the most people most quickly.

Now, why the blue-blooded blazes would I do an obviously stupid, stupid, STUPID thing like that?

I submit for your consideration: history. Look at FDR’s New Deal. Now look at what it took for that to happen. Americans are, by and large, a truly fair-minded, hard-working bunch of people. We will take bullshit and take bullshit and take bullshit and keep giving the benefit of the doubt and keep forgiving and keep forgetting, and keep hoping the lesser evil will boil us slowly, kindly, mercifully until, like Popeye, we collectively have had all we can stand and can’t stands no more.

Was the New Deal perfect? Of course not. No deal is. Should it be the exact model upon which we base the solution to the calamity I’m invoking upon us? No. It was for its own time and its own place. But I am absolutely convinced that we stand a 0% chance of finding the right solution for the right time and the right place so long as we keep buying into the myth sold to us by our feudal overlords by any other name.

Mitt Romney can deliver that dream. He will deliver that dream.

Mitt Romney, The Destroyer! He will embrace a Ryan budget to blow the Ryan budget to smithereens.

Forget shrinking federal government so that it’s small enough to drown in the bathtub. He’ll flush it right down the toilet like the bloody, unwanted miscarriage that it is.

Want the best return on your investments? Look to him and see where he’s putting his money. It’s sure as hell mostly not here, unless perhaps it might be in GE and other massive weapons manufacturers. All war, all the time? He’s your guy. Forget conventional warfare. That’s what we have unending proxy wars and wars on nebulous Made in America terror for.

Want to diversify? Might I recommend, aside from GE, News Corp, Disney, Viacom, Time Warner, and CBS. America just loves the ever-living fuck out of its Kool-Aid and the head honchos of those six media behemoths are happy to sell it to you in thirty-one thousanderful flavors.

Want food? Look no further than Monsanto if you want to get to the root of all your GMO needs and cattle feeds. But if you prefer pretty packaging (after all, you can’t really drink RoundUp straight out of the bottle, well, not more than once), try on PepsiCo, Dole, General Mills, Nestle, and Kraft. When you walk down the aisles thinking, “America, what a wonderful country, look at all these choices!” don’t ask yourself which five corporations make nearly all of those pretty packages filled with high fructose corn syrup, chemical plant food substitutes and the USRDA of rat feces (which more closely resembles food than much of what we call food these days). Just buy (that’s right, get a job you dirty, unwashed, lazy bum of a unionized steelworker, heavy equipment operator, telephone sanitizing hippie, you), buy, buy, stuff your rotten little pieholes, and wait for the glorious obesi-demic, diabetic, diuretic, diarrheaic amputation-fest that is your future, Peg Leg.

Luckily for you, you’ll have the best health care your money can buy. And by “best health care,” I don’t mean the version of ObamaCare that Obama stole from Romney the Destroyer (that one didn’t even have single-payer on the menu), I mean the new RomneyTron2013 DIY Colostomy Kit. It might not be what you need, but hey, punching a hole in your own fucking side with a screwdriver so you can stuff a hose in it and shit straight into a cute little bag from Wal-Mart will probably hurt a lot less than what you’d feel if you just wait around for a purely profit driven insurance/pharma/establishment medicine cabal to do the right thing for you out of the goodness of their little black hearts.

Thankfully, we have the NRA looking out for your right of final exit. There’s a lot of ways to go, sure. But have you ever actually burned yourself with lye, much less tasted it? That shit hurts. Who wants to go out in a frothy, bloody (um, sorry Santorum) paroxysm of pain? Jumping off something high might work, but with privatized everything and privilege rising to the top, you’ll probably not be allowed up on bridges or greater than the third floor without money or a servants’ pass, but the latter implies money (like the new RubeCred RFID Fed implant they should probably be developing right about now) however little, so why would you want to jump? The final exit is what a good, solid, made in America .45 with a hollow point is for.

Romney the Destroyer! The President with balls so godawful ballsy it takes magic underwear just to keep them from dragging the ground! Sorry, but Scientology has yet to find a candidate clear enough to run, so we had to settle for the next best thing. Unsurprisingly, the radical right “Christian” church is willing to hold their nose so long as they can vote for a real, un-Muslim, Christian, like one that believes that the Bible that Can’t Be Changed (a la Revelation) could be by a clan named Smith who posits, in the worst fake KJV stylings ever, an America-walking Jesus that Supreme Jesus of the New Testament failed to mention in all his godlike omniscient prescience (or maybe it was just so utterly un-noteworthy that not a single person thought “oh, I’ll be back in 2000-ish years in a land you don’t even know exists populated by people you don’t know exist who have been there since before my dad created everything” was worth writing down). Good thing, too, because he believes everything they believe except for all the things he doesn’t (with a few extras, gratis!), unless he’s talking to someone else and then he might. Mainly, women are doe-eyed chattel (or should be doe-eyed, or blinded for lack of doe-ish-ness, or something to that effect, but CHATTEL!) that don’t have vi-j-eye…vaj…vuh…vvvvvvvvv, um, they have incubators and egg-u-bators! and they just happen to like to congregate in groups called, um, wives dedicated to the service and pleasure of one pasty-archal head of household. That, female chastity, unabashed fecundity, and no abortions even for rape by alien space invaders are all that really matter in a candidate, right?

Rest assured, Romney the Destroyer! will absolutely not put someone soft on justice on the Supreme Court, either. Hell no. It’s full court press time, with an even balance of power, 9-0 in favor of all the things Grover Norquist touches himself to sleep to. With Romney the Destroyer! in the White House (now with car elevators) and his fellow Cthul-oid minions in the House and Senate, he won’t even need to wait for wayward moderate justices to croak. With a tip of his top hat and a magical wink of his monocle, Congress will get the hint that its time to start impeaching the ones that are too slow to get with the program.

Think you have rights now? Well, aside from the fact that you’re clearly delusional since everyone knows rights are these arbitrary fictions that can be bestowed, amputated, or augmented by fascist, corporation-sponsored governments depending on important factors like favorable birth, wealth, race, religion, gender, orientation, age, and creed, just don’t worry about them. What’s the point in worrying about something you won’t have even the vestige of an illusion of soon enough? It’s all rather moot. First, we’ll just let him destroy any stumbling blocks to Southern Dixiecrat/GOP collusion when it comes to divesting those pesky brown people of the vote so it will be easier to shuttle them off to private re-education prisons. Then we can deal with anything (notice: not anyONE) left with a va, um, vaj-eye, errrrr, vuh, fuck it, cunt (I bet there’s no problem with *that* word, right?). Once they’re back in their kitchens tending to their puffy, black eyes, dropping babies, baking beer, and taking rape like a man without all that damned whining and bitching, they won’t have time to vote. Besides, they’ll never make it past the penis check to get into the polls, anyway. And if you *do* know a woman with a penis, you just let Romney the Destroyer! know. He’ll dispatch a legion of scissor-wielding enforcers to set that shit straight, then giggle about it while cosplaying in his state trooper’s uniform before forgetting about it entirely since hey, it obviously didn’t matter enough to remember!

Finally, the market will be ripe for full employment of the only remaining people (well, really, the only real “people” to begin with), white men. Whatever work is left over from offshoring, outsourcing, and re-education-prison-sourcing, will be done by them. With unions busted and “collective bargaining” (hah! we all know the only legitimate collective bargaining is really called lobbying) a thing of the past, those lucky brute force beasts of burden will be whistling Dixiecrat and Hi Ho, Hi Ho seven days a week, 15 hours a day (on slow days), with no holidays, no vacation, no overtime, no minimum wage, and access to “free” euthanasia in lieu of sick leave (billable to surviving family members because, hey, there really is no such thing as a free lunch, even if it is a cyanide sandwich).

With minorities beaten back to actual minority status and safely sequestered away from the leering eyes of our precious, hypersexualized white women, with those women beaten back to their proper Dark Ages lot of drudgery with time off for missionary with the lights off (stop moving your hips your dirty whore!), with the fortuitously poor eating from the sweat of their brows, who will have time for any kind of social mayhem or mischief? Oh, there will be troublemakers, sure, but nothing an adequately armed militarized police force can’t keep in check with body armor, chemical weapons, sonic weapons, light weapons, blunt weapons, projectile weapons, and “civilian” drones.

That really just leaves the common defense, and as is commonly known, the only defense that actually matters is that of the corporate interests and their plutocratic power brokers, nothing gated communities, private security, and a pervasive contempt for anyone earning less than six figures can’t fix.

Of course I don’t think Romney the Destroyer! will be quite all that. At least, I should hope not. But just how far down do you and I need to be beaten, how many times lied to, how many times swindled and cheated while the swindlers and cheaters eat the fruits of our labor? I don’t know, but judging from what we seem to accept as our divided, delusional, and dysfunctional lot, quite far and quite a lot. But I have faith in us. We have our limits. You can only shit on us but so much before we stop letting our smiles be our umbrellas.

At some point, those of us who keep doing all the actual work and footing all the bills and believing in the actual virtues of truth, justice, and the American way will get tired of the tainted taste of second-hand corn and peanuts, and, left and right, united as one people, we will rise against a common enemy. We will do so with dignity, honor, and reason. We will prevail. And we will, like our Founding forefathers before us, appoint the best of us to represent our genuine, self-determined best interests in the name of Family, Community, and Country. We can be divided only so far before we stand, once again, truly United.

Romney the Destroyer! is the man to get us there the fastest.

In conclusion, please allow me to be perfectly clear. This is not a tongue-in-cheek satirical endorsement of President Obama for a second term. For whatever his reasons (and I’m too cynical to think them entirely noble), he has failed to exercise the power of his veto when needed; he has extended executive powers beyond Cheney’s worst wet dreams; he has betrayed his most ardent supporters time and time again with half measures, hollow words, and capitulation to a bellicose and belligerent right wing; he has seen fit to continue the racially biased practice of imprisoning people for a vice he himself once indulged regularly; he has eroded civil liberties to the point of making a mockery of them; and, if that were not enough, he, by virtue of his expanded executive powers, has taken it upon himself to be the judge, jury, and Executioner-in-Chief of these great United States. There is not one single candy-coated bone he could throw to his last hold-out, anyone-but-Romney supporters that will ever make up for the simple fact of the murder of a US citizen (much less countless innocent foreign civilians, including children, *ahem* “militants”), for, make no mistake, that is what the targeted killing of Al Awlaki was, murder as sure as a hit put out by a mafia don would be murder. Awlaki may have been (and likely was) the most evil motherfucker out there since Hitler and Genghis Khan had a love child with Pol Pot and called him Stalin (except for the part where those people actually killed millions and Awlaki talked a lot of shit about killing thousands, allegedly), but it is the role of American jurisprudence, as guaranteed by our constitution, to afford the accused a trial in front of a jury of peers where it is incumbent upon the prosecution to make a case so airtight that conviction and sentencing are the logical outcomes and, should they fail to do so, acquit. By torturing the logic of the constitution so that “due process” does not necessarily mean “judicial due process” but may (and does) mean “due process by a secret cabal behind closed doors with no transparency or accountability, shielded by the prurient interest of an American public hellbent on vengeance without justice,” the the Obama administration, through its Department of Justice, has effectively made a mockery of the very bedrock of our freedoms.

Romney the Destroyer! himself could not personally pay me enough to vote for President Obama. So yes, I’m deadly serious. This election day I will vote. I will vote for the wrong candidate. And I will be doing so for all of the wrong reasons. I will be voting for Mitt Romney in hopes that under his presidency the shit will so thoroughly hit the fan that we will have no choice left but to shake off the illusion of left/right, red/blue, Democrat/Republican, and get back to the basic principles of legitimate representative governance of, for, and by the people.

Thank you, friends, family, fellow Americans, for indulging me these many words to make a horribly crass case for what should never have been necessary. Whatever our differences, I respect that you will ultimately vote your conscience. I pray I am utterly mistaken. I also pray that should I not be, that the upheaval be brief, be mild, be just, and spare you and yours the worst. May we, one day, regardless of our many differences, be able to say, not only “I am proud to be an American,” but that “I am proud of all of my fellow Americans” for that, my fellow Americans, is the very essence of pride in America.

—-

Image credit: Adapted from images of Conan the Destroyer and Mitt Romney under my perhaps flimsy understanding of fair use for the purposes of criticism without any goal of compensation.

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