Great googly moogly! Google ain’t gonna !#$*!$%’in like this

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Or, Allegations of America’s dirty little backwoods secret and Google won’t let their ads be placed on the newsfic coverage…

Since I’ve only got a few articles under my belt thus far, I feel like I can still beat the “new blogger” drum, at least for a while. I’d best enjoy this while the romance is still all hot and sticky. My posts should still throb with their burgeoning tumescence. Why, I’m so hot, my prose is even turgid.

As a new blogger, I face many issues. Finding a name for a blog (and available domain) that pleases more than just me. Finding a host that will serve my needs without breaking the bank. Learning the ins and outs of social media and self-promotion. Maybe even generating a little (likely very little) revenue while I’m at it. That’s where this post comes in.Naturally, one of the first places I looked for those buckets of mythical blog money was in Google’s back pocket, the one with the AdSense logo stitched on it.

As a fairly astute observer of fine print everywhere that affects me (well, except for Facebook’s) I took a gander at some of Google’s fine print leaking out from an unseemly hole under the pocket. No, I’m pretty sure it was fine print, not santorum. Having read it, I had this to say on Facebook, where I may enjoy all of the privacy in the world.

Sites with Google ads may not include or link to:

  • Pornography, adult or mature content

Erm, what is “mature content?” I advocate against rape here on FB, I’m sure I will there, too [my own blog], eventually. I link to anti-porn sites like gaildines.com. Surely those are “mature” subjects, if not of the xxx variety. What about some of the biblical stuff I might be prone to? Onan has a bit of a sloppy story, not that I think I’ll be using that one.

  • Violent content

Ummmm, hello, I rail against war and would conceivably post articles including images of, oh, let’s say…Marines (who do not reflect on the entire military) urinating on Taliban corpses. That, and one Skinny Puppy vid could do me in. 😉

  • Content related to racial intolerance or advocacy against any individual, group or organisation

*blink* WTF?! Just about all I do is advocate for/against individuals, groups or organizations.

  • Excessive profanity

Fucking fuck fuck!

  • Illicit drugs and drug paraphernalia content

How the hell would I advocate for decriminalization of marijuana unless it were first illicit?

They’re nuts. Or I am. Or both.

A friend, who should remain nameless (to protect the [circle one] guilty/innocent), replied by way of reassurance, “it’s not like you are posting interspecies snuff films that include a how to on cooking meth presented by a fucking skinhead.”

I’m not? I’m NOT?! Like !@*(&’in hell I’m not! [cue gratuitous use of profanity lacking any attempt at creative variety]

I don’t know if you’re aware of this latest trend in backwoods America, but every fucking second of every fucking day, there are fucking Neo-nazi skinheads stroking themselves to blisters in a xenophobic, crank-enhanced fucking rage while cooking meth that will be gobbled up like Pop Rocks by our nations children. Worse, they do this from the fucking safety of filthy little blood-smeared back rooms in the fucking slaughterhouses that pepper our great fucking nation like the giant, fucking festering open wounds seeping bovine pain and despair that they are.

In part, these locations are chosen because they’ll gladly fucking hire anyone with at least three fucking functioning fingers, as long as they’re on the same fucking hand that holds a faulty fucking captive bolt pistol. Primarily, these sites are chosen because there’s just about zero fucking probability of a fucking camera intruding on their illicit fucking industries. The fucking slaughterhouse managers certainly don’t want footage of what the fuck goes on behind the scenes hanging around. For that matter, thanks to recent big fucking government rollbacks of our fucking civil liberties, being caught with a fucking camera in a fucking slaughterhouse where all those fucking animals are brutally fucking slaughtered is enough to get one fucking charged with fucking terrorism!

The fucking irony here is that the absence of unwanted cameras shields these fucking raving, gibbering, tweaking racist fucking assholes from exposure while they fucking produce interspecies fucking porn and snuff films. Fuckin’ A right. It only takes a warped fucking imagination to fucking imagine the fucking horror of it all.

A fucking rusty steel door creaks open to reveal a fucking cinderblock room smeared in fucking offal lit only by one fucking flickering dim bulb swinging from frayed fucking wiring. One swastika-fucking-emblazoned skinhead mans a fucking video camera. Another one with his overalls dropped around his fucking ankles is [omitted for being too disgusting even for me] the business fucking end of a pig. Just as the sweating, squealing and the grunting become too fucking much for even fucking Newt Gingrich to bear, another fucking tweaker covered in fucking hate propaganda squeezes the trigger on a fucking stun gun aimed at the pigs fucking forehead, but the motherfucking gun doesn’t work. There’s a loud fucking pop as the air hose leading to the fucking thing blows out and the fucking pigs just falls over and fucking twitches while the fucking skinhead just keeps going.

This shit, if it’s actually fucking happening, really fucking has to stop. Like right fucking now.

That sound you might hear from all the way over there? That’s my fucking bank account sobbing at the loss of any possible fucking ad revenues from Google’s AdSense program of which I might have fucking dreamed.

Honestly, though, I think my friend is fucking right on another fucking point. Really, Google just won’t fucking care.

—-

Photo credit: Image by Elana Centor. licensed under Creative Commons.

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